Digger Simulator

Let's think about awesome films. What's the best scene from any James Bond film? That's right, the one where Daniel Craig drives a digger at the beginning of Casino Royal. Commando? The bit where Arnie drives a digger into a gun store.  Die Hard? It's rubbish: Why? Because there are approximately zero diggers in Die Hard. Poor work Willis, poor work.

So here comes Digger Simulator (or ‘Dig Hard' as I like to call it) allowing you to live out all your manliest, most hardcore digging fantasies. If there's one thing Craig, Schwarzenegger and Willis have in common it's that not one of them is as deeply masculine as the faceless terror of driving your digger, and digging the hell out of everything using pure Y chromosome as fuel.

Digger Simulator puts you at the wheel of several complicated pieces of raw machinery. It knows however that you don't have the untamed manly energy required to manhandle these beasts, and so makes it's controls as awkward and convoluted as possible.  Not because of poor design, but to make a real man out of you. Smooth, satisfying controls are for sissies and Digger Simulator doesn't stand for that!

If you were looking for an in depth story or a long campaign, then you're playing the wrong game, you nancyboy! Digger Simulator hits home hard with a massive five missions each lasting mere minutes. These come with functional, no nonsense names like Position Excavator, where you rotate and move a behemoth like Bagger 228 down an actual gravel path! Fully Load Excavator, where you drill a hill! Load Dumper, where you dig up sand! Establishing Order, where you move sand! And Relieve Dumper, where you force a packet of sand from your digger! That's it.

Not enough!? Well, get a grip! This is mans work, not a place for some slovenly free thinking hippy!

What's that? You want shiny graphics, catchy music and great sound? What are you? Some kind of metro male who wears mascara and cuts off his testosterone with tight jeans!? This is Digger Simulator, not Barbie as an Island Princess! Here you'll find functional blocky visuals with drained colours and no flair. Sure, your digger will frequently jerk out of the level or glitch into the ground, but if you can't take that then you don't have the stones for this.

What about those times when your raw unnamed hard muscle of a driver disappears? It's not a bug; it's the game telling you that you lack the testicular fortitude to even pretend to drive a digger!  The engine sound is migraine inducing and it's the only sound you're going to hear in this game because real men can take the pain!

This isn't the game for you. No one alive is enough of a man to take on Digger Simulator; it'll laugh heartily at you then break you in two with its massive half hour of gameplay. If you really feel masochistic enough to give it a try then it's up to you, but you better remember to grab the appropriate tools because it's time to Digg. HARD.